temperamental

i can be gleeful today and i can be moody the next day..

but i guess... no matter how sad i feel.. no day can be compared to what i feel today

even i myself hate to see myself in such gloomy mood. i cried several times today on my way to work at my sister's boutique. and on my walk to buy salad... and while eating salad with my sister. she was..... huh?!.. having no knowledge as to why i suddenly burst out crying.
seriously and honestly i cant justify the reason why the tears are shed..

there are so many problems in my life right now and they are so jumbled up
i keep avoiding them because i seriously do not know what to do and even if i tell it out, nobody would really understand me bcos they are not me. they seriously do not understand whats my situation, where i'm coming from and what kind of ppl i live with. and i did try telling it to my sister but she said nothing. it's either she doesnt understand my problems, doesnt think my problems are worth crying for or.... she thinks she is lucky that she doesnt face the same problems bcos my life and her life are so different.

for her.. a quarter of her life has been spent together with her bf.. whatever her problems.. she shares it with her bf, wherever she wanna go.. the one who gives the permission is her bf, the one she tells everything to is... her bf..

sometimes i feel that the only way to get myself out of someone's control.. is to either get a bf or get myself somewhere faaaaaaaaar away from home.

i am not sure if being under her control was the source of all my problems. probably not but i kinda like to think that it is...

I AM JUST NOT HAPPY AND TOOO SAD TO BLAME MYSELF.

i am so sad today that whatever i say... it's either at a very low voice.. or at high intonation that it can be as similar to yelling. i felt so sorry and guilty to raise my voice at her that each time b4 we start a conversation i tried to refrain from 'yelling'... so i either do not look at her or i talk really soft and lifeless. prompt me to talk further then my voice will raise .. just like do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti -- DO

things started to get out of hand when i was in the office b4 i went to my sister's shop. short arguments ensued.. i didnt want to argue further. every short argument would always end with
her: aiya! ur wish la ur wish la!!
me: u say everything lo!?? what also u say! everything also u win!!..

so after i came back from work.. she asked me a few questions that i answered reluctantly and almost lifeless. then she tried to justify the arguments earlier.. why she scolded me.. why she was so scared. part of me felt stupid as to why i didnt think about this problem like an adult. she was explaining it to me like really normal. with really good intonation. i said nothing bcos i was in no mood and energy to say anything. then when it came to a point that i had to say something... i tried to talk good.. like her.. but like said.. my voice went do re mi fa so la ti do. so.. she temporarily ended our never ending cold war with this.. "haih!.. u wanna what u do la!. ur wish la!!!"

i felt super guilty and sad! her last phrase was totally not an answer or permission. .that was

"you wanna do wat then you do la.. but if can... dont!".. i guess since i am 20 yrs old d. she feels bad to restrict the things i wanna do like i am still in secondary. but she still wanna do it.

but it's not like i can do everything or decide on my own bcos financially... i still have to depend on my parents.

i cant force myself to be independent and break free from her bcos tht would only break her heart. after seeing arguments that have occurred between my brother and my mum.. i cant bare to let myself do that. no matter how much i want something for myself, i can't think of myself only and disregard other ppl's feelings. i am sure there are better ways to solve this problem.
and yes.. regretting and fretting is of no use. what happened has already happened and i am going to make do with everything around me right now to provide myself a better life.

At least i am feeling better now.. i was super sad that even today's beautiful sunset seem so ugly and normal to me. bad mood ruins everything.

anyway, here's a pic of me and joey in pavilion. miss her already.

**i am sorry if u guys do not know or confused with what i am saying here. i am so lazy to tell the whole story. and also.. i am sorry again for yet another sad and emo post.