love, can i?

many ppl tell me that the guys that i choose do not deserve my attention and that i could get better guys... part of me believe so cause i can think so highly of myself at times..

but the truth is... even i ... don deserve to get better guys..

not sure why i suddenly thought of that... but recently, i feel that my attitude, my crankiness, my unstable mood n my ruthless speaking style can really affect the relationships i have with my family members, friends and crushes. or maybe these people are just weird and irritating that i have to give them the ugly side of me.... MUST BE THE LATTER!

just an hour ago, i had this minor conflict with this guy... i thought i have always shown the original side of me, i thought he is looking at the true meiwen.. maybe i think of it this way bcos ppl believe that i have transparent personality and that i tell everything out.. and i do not lie and fake things through like someppl i know.

but after the conversation i had with him, i started to think, i have given him the wrong image all along.... for 2 yrs i have put up a diff side of me for him unintentionally... then he started calling me.. 爱脸鬼 (a person who always wants to save to their face).. and then.. i am not sure if I was being sensitive or HE was being sensitive.. i kinda realised that the things i say do portray that i always want to win.. well.. seriously... if he doesn't also wanna win, would he say the same thing?.. NO.. if he is less egoistic, he wouldnt even bother if i wanna win, and he would just let me win.. but NO.... he has to act like he doesnt care if i win but at the same time, teasing me for being a sore loser. and he came up with other stupid teases that i do not know what reactions to give anymore.. i cant even laugh it off (like i do when i was madly head over heels towards him)

see.. this is what i mean!... i used to always let him win and let him think that he is correct all the time and i don dare to say a word or else he would think that i am rebellious and arrogant.. and of course most boys dont like that. and that whenever he tries to say that i am wrong or anything... i just laugh it off... like i have NO temper..

then after i kinda showed my temper earlier.... part of me was scared that he wont talk to me anymore, part of me was proud that i did what i normally do to any other boys...
and the naive me suddenly felt sorry that how could i be so sensitive to such teases...
but seriously, he went overboard this time.. or should i say.. accumulatively overboard.. after laughing it off for so long... i cant stand it anymore.. STOP F*KING TEASING ME...! and i suddenly feel that he is as irritating and annoying as my brother... does ALL eldest son have to act the same way!?...

everyone knows that i am an avid magazine reader.. but seriously why the things i read dont apply in my life..
so i have no style, so i don do the body shaping exercises they feature in almost every issue, so i don buy the things advertised, so i don eat the foods that they say are proven to loseweight and most importantly whatever the relationship gurus say,... i don exactly follow.

one of the main things they always mention is.. "SHOW UR TRUE SELF"... and i was like thinking.. "LIKE DUH... like i am not?.. like i can stop talking bout myself?.." then i met this guy.. he actually talked more about himself than i ever can about myself.. so he dominates the conversation.. naturally what i can do is only to sit down quietly to listen.. and refrain from opening my mouth. then the discovery i made about myself earlier... i seriously wasnt showing my true arrogant, rebellious, stubborn, talkative, and rude self to him...

and when he starts to take this goodside of me for granted and went overboard... then i exploded..

this is seriously not good.... I cant help it but i always put up a cute and sweet front for my crushes! and when things go bad and stale, i burst, and ppl cringe and think that i am crazy or something.. and there... i will feel bad and sorry and stupid for my own self..

seriously.. the more i think of it.. the more i think i have betrayed myself... when the minor conflict was going on.. i tried to mask the fact that i am not happy and angry.. at the same time.. i do not wanna act like everything is ok and fine by me and that i am the most tolerant and perfect angel in this world. so.. i chose not to reply or say anything.... and give him the silent and cold treatment...

that's for taking girls for granted!..