Crushin Away

Crushes.....

Don't u just hate them and love them somehow?

They have the ability to make u feel happy this moment and u will feel that he really is interested in u and u see a hint of chance.

then the next moment... they can just bring u down so low that u vow u will stop whatever feelings u have for him..

U were certain bout ur latest decision

but then the next moment.... just a call or sms from him can make u fly really high and u forgot bout all the vows and constraints u wanted put on ur feelings.

this emotional ride.... may just be the ride i was looking for to make myself lose weight.

but somehow... of course... things dont loook as easy as it may seem.

Sometimes when i have no specific target, i would feel super lonely and i'd so miss the feeling of being woo-ed and having a bf!.. someone i could lean on and talk to at the end of the day.
but sometimes, witnessing how ppl who are close to me and in a relationship deal with disappointments and heartbreaks... make me feel..very lucky that i dont have to face with all that shit and.. when i make decisions for myself, the only person i ask is me.. the only person who i really care about is me, the only person who matters the most.. is... ME!

So... after 3 long yrs of not being in a relationship, after 3 long yrs of happy-go-lucky wellbeing and after 3 long yrs of not being under any possible chances of major-suicidal-weightlosing-heartbreak... somehow suddenly find putting myself in this emotional roller coster can be quite tiring and it really affects my mood. Especially my mood towards my crush.

b4 u guys go tired of guessing who this lucky guy is that i am crushing on.. well.. its no one. This post is just something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now.

My mood could become so erractic towards him because we girls... basically create our own story. while we dont think bout sex all the time.. we do think of what we hope that guys we like would do in the next moment (well, at least for me).

For example (fiction): we were at a party, and the beginning of the party.. he treated me like a princess.. get drinks for me. sat bside me, talk.. eat..(I REALLY FELT LIKE THIS MAY JUST BE FOR REAL. THIS GUY IS INTERESTED IN ME... ) then after food is finished.. he even helped me to throw away the plates. then he said he wants to hang out with his friends.. then i hanged out with my gfs.. then at the end of the night. it was time for me to leave. so i walked up to him and announce my exit. i kinda expected him to offer to walk me to my car.. or.. even better! escort me home by following bhind car. but i know this is impossible cause when u are having a super cool discussion with ur buddies, the last thing u'd wanna do is leave... for longer than 5 mins.
But... he didnt even offer to walk me. He just said.. "oh ok!.. goodbye and nite!" then he just turned back to his friends and talk talk talk. We'd think "Dey..! thats all?!."..then we might have just stood there for 2-3 seconds dumbfounded thinking also.. "isnt he going to say...anything else? really?" though this story is made up but i am sure REALLY! THERE ARE GUYS LIKE THAT!.. and the next u know.. u would storm out of the party and F1 back home.. saying to urself while driving.. stupid ignorant men! that guy is an asshole!.. donwanna fall into his trap again!
but when u go home... ready to go to bed, on ur mind, his image is on fire...then he sends u a msg
"Hey!.. how are ya?! u back home? i m quite drunk right now. u sleep early k? goodnite!"

Then...... ur formerly cold as ice heart suddenly flutters and melts and as u off the lights.. lie in bed.. u cant help... but smile... thinking as well.. "he is not that bad after all. at least he thinks of me. hmm... how i wish i can ____________ *fill in the blank*"

IDIOTIC RIGHT?!?!?!

another thing is.. i do not know bout others.. but i can really go the distance if it meant i can see him for another hour, another day... or just talk... i dont mind talking for hours. just as long as we are communicating!
so i guess thats the reason why i can get mad when he doesnt do what i expected him to. cause... as i give.. i kept waiting for him to give the same return... this is not good. but i cant get through myself!
i dont understand why i would act this way. He is just a crush... i like him.. he doesnt (not really confirmed bcos i do not want it to be true) like me!.. what do i expect him to act or do seriously?!.. Like what a lot of boys have told us.. "WE CANT READ UR MIND!"

sometimes when i go over my weaknesses, i somehow think that i still do not deserve a good relationship. but compared to 3 yrs ago, i am sure i could be a better gf now. or i just could be worse cause.... my patience level has gone down as i realise i cant wait for ppl who are super slow and last minute!

So maybe... i am still not ready for a relationship? or maybe i will change once the right one comes along.. but its so hard to see who is right and who is wrong when u could be so blinded by what u want instead of what u need. Once u set ur target.. no matter what a skunk he is... u will tell urself that ud accept his flaws somehow. but deep down u know.. it is not that easy.. but..NVM!.. cause.. u love the crushy feeling so much and..wht if.. when the moment that u let go comes.. and that is the moment when he starts to like u?

this is the thing bout letting go and continuing along. some ppl stay in a state of liking someone for a few yrs. no matter how many ppl tell them this ending that they want is never gonna come they will listen but only for awhile.. cause they still wanna wait.. they make up their own stories and secretly hoping and aiming so much for it to come true. One sms or call from that someone, they could just take it as "OOOOHHH..this person may just be interested in me!! let me hold on to this feeling cause he/she might have a change of heart!" but sorry.. if he/she was going to love u.. they would have done that earlier to keep u from waiting. (unless that guy is yy and u happen to be sk.. n i am sure it wasnt easy for her as well!)

and even if he/she have loved u b4 but was let down... then.. most likely... they will not repeat this mistake.

After 3 yrs of crushing in and out... i certainly know and understand how it feels to sense such strong chemistry between 2 person. and how it could have been a wonderful relationship and no other girl could ever have the same effect. i do make up stories of my own and i do go the super far distance to get his attention. It was hard to move on each time when it didnt work and i also couldnt help but think... if i dont get him, some bitchy bitch will! and she would be the luckiest bitch on earth! CANNOT!
seriously so far i've encountered 4 cases when the guy that i am interested in..suddenly has a gf.. like.. OUT OF THE BLUE.. it was of course painful. but it was also a good end to an interest that never was.. and never will be.
but for some who didnt have another girl sticking around... i kinda let go bcos..at a certain point or time, i'd realise that this guy is no good.. not up to my par... or.. he is a selfish bitch. the right one just doesnt come along and i am stuck with all this shite.

but... who am i to talk bout such things like i would be lonely until i .. lay in the coff* coff* in

of course i wont. just as long as i dont expect too much... i am sure my prince will come.

but as a 21st century girl... i learn the rights that all women should have.. and i certainly own the rights to having a ....dun need perfect... just.. a relationship that i hope for. for a girl like me... i seriously don really wanna settle for cin cai cin cai.

THE MOST IMPORTANT... he has to be rich.
i dont really ask a lot.. and i dont expect my bf to shower me with gifts. but.. i want him to be rich bcos i cant stand ppl who are less fortunate than i am.. and they rub it in my face -->feeling worthless like i have to be LESS fortunate with him as well. TMDLJCB!
some guys didnt even like the fact that i step into pavilion too much.! i am sorry.. but pavilion is my heaven and i love to step into my heaven once in a while. i dont care if he doesnt shop, i dont really like shopping with guys anyway.. just as long as he lets me go!

haih.. this post is abit luan. but who cares. its my blog. i write anything i want. dont like it? go report. i do not have a proper table to write all my thoughts down bcos my room is in a HUGE mess. So.... i ... share what i think with all of u! :)