life is short. so why waste time fretting?

life is harsh...

sometimes.. i really don feel like admitting i am naive.. i find it very secondary form 2.. and i cant help but hate myself for still being that way after 6 yrs.. haven’t i learn anything!? so i just.. brush aside my thoughts on naivety and get on with life but after much thinking during my study time (i tend to daydream when i see words).. i have a feeling i am still trapped in a little girl's world. i am not ready to face adulthood.. just thinking about the future makes me cringe~

at only 19 i already have so many to think about!.. so many problems that i have to solve on my own and so many things that i have to decide carefully because.. clearly.. 2nd chances are bcoming dimmer than b4.. the older u grow.. the more expectation ppl will have towards u and u just cant FAIL! n the older u grow, the more things that u want to do and there are so many things to be taken into account before u make that decision because u cannot be a selfish bitch doing everything u want without caring for other ppl's time, feelings and preferences.

and u just HATE HATE HATE HATE IT! when u already planned something gooood and exciting and just when u are so looking forward to it .. something happened or parents' intrusion and u just cant go or you have to cancel everything... if for the last time mei wen..i would throw tantrums for a few minutes then the next.. ok la.. suan la.. but i think as we grow older our senses bcome more sensitive and we will also think extra much.. things that dont matter to me last time.. now.. just cant get out of my head.. or issit we expect more from ppl compared to last time when we were younger..

AND why do I LUUUURVE to CRY!?.. I hate it when people asks me.. “why are you crying?” “cry for what? Crazy ah!?” “You crying again? Why?” and the ultimate one … “I am so happy to see you cry.. CRY LA!” from my evil brother who called me a bitch and called me to get use to it.. shitface! This sucks!
Why the hell am I so weak?.. no matter if I am the correct one, I am the one who initiated the argument, I am the one who is the angry one or I am the one who let things around me happen.. I JUST CRY!.. I really really want to learn how to be tough and control the floodgates! Some may say crying releases everything.. but do u know?.. it really hurts.. and u just cant stop crying.. for hours!.. and u also feel malu when ppl sees ur red swollen eyes and they ask u questions that sounds like “how can u be such a cry baby?.. grow up la! Yer.. why u always cry one? This kind of remeh-temeh thing also cry..!” all these statements.. make me feel like I am the weird one n.. I am abnormal for crying.. and ppl just think.. I cant do stuff on my own.. and I wont be independent. The reason my mum didn’t allow me to go overseas because she thinks that I am going to cry every night… sheesh! Just bcos of the Ms. Rayceer Kim Goh called us to phone our parents and say thank you or I love or whatever.. and from then my mum thinks that I cant live without her.. -_-“… but I memang have homesick. When I go someplace too far alone… I tend to breakdown and want to go home!!

FrUsTrAtIoNs…

i am so not ready to face the future ... i cant even bare the fact that people around us will actually leave us one day!.. from young till now.. I know that people around me will leave one day.. but it just didn’t occur to me that people closest to me will also leave me… sooner than I thought!! I just cant imagine life without them.. I just hate myself sometimes for taking them for granted.. and I also hate it when I want to change things better for them… it is already too late..

I hate it when my mum takes her for granted bcos I am standing from the viewer’s point.

I hate it when my mum yells at her for being slow and soft and clumsy

I hate it when I too, take her for granted

I hate it when I just watch her doing house chores but I act like I did not see it. And that I did not offer to help.

I hate it when each time my brother INSTRUCTS me like a DICTATOR to follow her wherever she goes I throw tantrums in my heart.

I hate it … that I did not learn hainan language from her…

But I love it … when I chat with her…
With my broken hainan
Gossip bout other people
Her telling me to be patient
Her telling me not to raise my voice towards my parents
Her telling me everything would be ok next time if it does not turn out right this time.
And that I would get a better boyfriend when I go out to see the real world

And I really have to thank her for comforting me when I feel like I don’t belong.

I really miss her.

It hurts seeing her lying on the bed so weak.

It hurts even worse when I cant be there for her bcos of fucking exams.

It also hurts when my mum calls back because I am too weak to accept the unacceptable.

It hurt when I called my tough hearted cousin earlier… and I have to be the one to tell her everything and hear her cry at the other end of the line.

I really hope God will help her through this rough patch.

I really hope everything will be better for her the next morning.

I really hope there will be more and more mornings for her to open her eyes to.

I really hope that I still can fetch her in my car

I really hope she can still teach me hainan language.

I really hope she can see me through my wedding in the future.

I really hope that I can be there for her right now.

I love you.


Ps: I hope you all know who is it.. bcos my mum doesn’t allow me to mention.